That’s not my….

IMG_3349I thought I’d recount this last couple of weeks’ events in the style of one of those “That’s not my [donkey🐴, penguin🐧, tractor🚜, Robot 🤖 armadillo 🐢(?)…..] usborne books that we all know so well:

That’s not my child he’s too embarrassing  [shouting “doom on you” (From Ice Age, Hector informs me) at innocent strangers in the supermarket]

That’s not my child he’s too sneaky [scraping the icing off the pastries in Waitrose then licking his fingers and going back for more]*

That’s not my child he’s too aggressive [rugby tackling (after attempt to snatch failed) another child because their football looks better than his (they are the same)]

That’s not my child he’s too crazy [ jumping up and down in delight and refusing to leave a house viewing because he can see his dinosaur trainers (which he’s had for weeks) flashing in the vendor’s mirror “look mummy look mummy”]

That’s not my child he’s too irrational [having a mega head banging meltdown because his crumpet was cut into 3 rather than 2 pieces (despite not being at all troubled by this with the previous two bloody crumpets he demolished – wtf?!)]

That’s not my child he’s too complimentary [about his mummy’s food and has started saying “I love it” after the first mouthful of any food cooked by his mummy (except crumpet above of course – yes toasting a packet crumpet is cooking!?) – bless]

That’s not my child they are too bloody hyper [running around upstairs – (mummy & daddy gave up returning child to bed after 10 attempts) for 9pm at night after being up since f’in 5.25am]

That’s not my child he’s too much of a complete naughty bugger [having flown (thrown) a toy aeroplane at lightening McQueen speed into his baby sister’s head (closely missing the eye!) “for landing”]

Of fuck…..that is my child

Next time….. That’s not my fanny or maybe That’s not my boobies

Ps. That’s not my child their mummy has managed to get both babies to sleep AT THE SAME TIME and get her arse outside for a relax in the sun whoopie woodah when her neighbour’s rat (don’t know breed but they are rat size) dogs start having a fucking barking competition (arrrrrggggghhhhh)

*That actually was not my child but a very good friend’s child.  I found it so hilarious that I mentioned to her I might include it -you know who you are! 😘x

 

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